A Midsummer Day's Nightmare
by Billyette-Bobilina-Josephine
Summary: Oneshot. Someone pays Ike's friends to try and seduce him for a joke. However, someone forgets to mention that to Ike. A lot of warnings and pairings inside. Somehow ends up as TitaniaXIke.


Ha-ha! This is a one-sided SorenXIke, ReysonXIke, MistXIke, and not-so-OscarXIke and -RhysXIke. Somehow turns into a TitaniaXIke. Also, implied TibarnXReyson. A cetain someone manages to convince all of Ike's friends and family to try and seduce Ike as a joke. Ike isn't let in on it, and his day, which happens to take place in the middle of summer, is a nightmare.

Laugh at Ike's misery. Go on. You know you want to. Just do it. Laugh.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Fire Emblem, Ike, etc.

**Warnings:** Violence, gore?, sex/masturbation, attempted rape, yaoi, incest, suggestive eyebrow motions, throwing people at doors, naked midgets, angry hawks, etc, etc. All that fun stuff.

~ A Midsummer Day's Nightmare ~

Ike was admiring Ragnell's shininess when Soren stepped into his room. Seeing the lithe tactician, the blue-haired commander of the Greil Mercenaries put away his blessed sword. He stood up and looked at the mage. "Good morning, Soren. Any reason you're visiting me today?"

Soren smiled, which almost never happened. Ike was pleased to see that his friend was in a good mood. The tactician reported, "Oh, there are a few reasons, Ike. We're low on liquor, according to Shinon, and he said it was the utmost importance that we get more. Also, Boyd is recovering well from his injuries."

Ike breathed a small sigh of relief. "That's good. And get some more liquor. Shinon's a lot friendlier when he's drunk. Maybe we should keep him that way." Soren laughed, and Ike continued, "Is that all, Soren?"

Said boy shook his head. "No. There's . . . another reason I came here."

After a long pause, Ike said, "Well, what is it, then?"

Soren gazed at his hands for a long moment, and then looked back up at Ike. Then he said, "Because I want to have sex with you."

Ike was concerned and confused, to say the least. "You want . . . what?"

Soren grinned and jumped on Ike. Ike, not used to having 90-pound mages tackle him, fell over. Soren's fingernails cut into Ike's skin as the thin tactician ripped on his commander's shirt.

Ike screamed as though he were a five-year-old girl and pushed Soren off. "No!" he yelled. "You will not take my virginity! You are not going to molest me! I'm not gay!"

Crying and shirtless, Ike bolted from the room faster then you could imagine someone who weighed over 200 pounds could. Although all of his weight was muscle, so you can imagine that he can power himself along pretty well.

The blunette ran and ran and ran until he was outside, and very far away from Soren's molester hands. Then he stopped, panting and sobbing. It wasn't long before a man with long, blonde hair, and elegant white wings approached him.

"Ike?" the heron asked. "Are you okay?"

Ike turned to see his good friend. He cried out in glee. "Reyson! Oh, thank Ashera you're here!" He hugged Reyson, gently but firmly.

Reyson, somewhat puzzled, asked, "Why? What's wrong? Or did you just miss me epic handsomeness?" He smirked to himself.

Ike sat down and gestured uselessly, not hearing Reyson's last remark. "I don't know! It's just that Soren . . . I thought that he and I were good friends. But he tried to rape me! It was scary!"

Reyson shushed him and patted his shoulder in comfort. "It's alright, Ike. I can help you."

"How?"

Reyson grinned and said, "I know a galdr that will help. I'll sing it for you."

As Ike relaxed his shoulders and Reyson prepared to sing, Ike asked, "What galdr is it? What's it called?"

Reyson muttered, "The galdr of making someone else fall in love with you," and then began to sing.

Ike covered his ears and screamed, "NO! MAKE IT STOP! I'M NOT GAY!"

Reyson kept singing, a wicked grin on his face.

Ike, having no other option, punched Reyson in the face.

Reyson's head shattered. He died instantaneously.

Ike, realizing what he'd done, backed up slowly and then turned around and ran back into the mercenary fort. He ran into the kitchen and stopped in guilt upon seeing Oscar.

Oscar smiled kindly and said, "Hello, Ike. Are you hungry? Would you like something to eat? I can make you anything you want."

Was that . . . was Oscar moving his eyebrows suggestively? Oh, what Oscar said could be taken in so many different ways! Ike was frightened. "Oscar, what's wrong with you? You're disgusting! You creep! What things do you do to your bothers, huh? You sick monster!"

And with that, Ike left the kitchen and locked himself in the nearest room.

Oscar, puzzled, shrugged and went back to cooking.

~ ***** ~

Ike was so glad to find that he was in Mist's room. Finally! Someone who wasn't a man! "Mist!" he gasped, tears of joy leaking from his eyes. "Thank Ashera! Mist! My glorious sister!"

Mist giggled as Ike fell to his knees and hugged her thighs. He sobbed happily into her legs. She felt his warm tears and hot breath against her soft, exposed skin and laughed pleasantly. She patted his hair comfortingly, and wove her fingers into it lustfully. "It's alright, Ike," she whispered seductively. "I'm here for you. For as long as you need me."

Ike let go of her and cried into his hands. "Everyone thinks I'm gay," he wept. "But I'm not. Soren tried to rape me, Reyson tried to make me fall in love with me, Oscar tried to seduce me . . . . Today sucks."

Mist smiled and pulled off her clothes as she said, "It's alright, Ike. Now you're here with me. And no man will ever try to rape you again so long as you're with me. I'll make sure of it."

Ike closed his eyes and rubbed his temples. "Thank Ashera. Never again. I don't want to be near another man ever again."

Mist kneeled down behind Ike and began massaging his neck. Ike groaned and said, "Ungh, Mist, thank you . . . I'm really stressed out . . . today sucks."

She giggled gleefully. "You've mentioned that."

"Could you do my shoulders instead of my neck, though?"

She grinned, though Ike could not see it. "Well, you'll have to let me take off your shirt and cape . . . ."

In response, Ike began untying his cape. He muttered to himself, "I thought Soren already had my shirt and cape . . . I really don't remember putting them back on . . . oh, well."

After that was off, Mist pulled off the rest of the clothes covering Ike's torso and began massaging his shoulder blades.

Ike moaned and relaxed into his sister's touch. "Oh, Mist . . . thank you. That feels so much better . . . ."

Mist smirked with delight and moved her hands down towards Ike's lower back. Her brother arched his back as she did so. She then reached her hands around him and tickled his bellybutton.

Ike laughed pleasantly, oblivious to the fact that his sister's naked body was pressed up against his back. However, he was not oblivious when she kissed him on the neck with her tongue. He froze, not knowing what to do or think or say.

Before he had a chance to recover, Mist's hands and moved from his stomach into his pants. He gasped at her touch as her fingers wrapped around a very private place of his. "M-Mist," he breathed, "w-what are y-you d-doing?"

Her tongue dipped into his ear and she moaned as she ate some of his earwax.

Finally recuperating from his shock, Ike made weird, grossed-out noises. "Eeew! Mist! You're my sister!"

Mist smiled evilly and moved her hands in such a way that Ike could not help but call out.

Coming to his senses, Ike grabbed Mist's arms and pulled her hands out of his pants. Then he pushed her away and stood up very, very quickly. "Mist! What do you think you're doing! You—you're naked! Oh, no! You were going to rape me, too!"

Mist jumped to her feet and somehow managed to pin Ike against a wall. She gripped Ike almost painfully and declared, "I love you, Ike! I want you in my bed so badly! Make mad, passionate love to me!"

Wincing in pain, he pushed her to the ground and jumped on the door. He pulled on the doorknob. Panic struck him as the door did not budge. "What!" he cried out in horror. "It's locked! No!"

Mist laughed demonically and pounced on her older brother. "Yes!" she squealed with delight. "It's locked so we can have the whole day and night together!"

He was on the verge of insanity. "LET ME OUT!" he hollered. He beat on the door. It splintered a little, which gave him an idea.

Mist had just undone his belt when he picked her up and threw her at the door.

The door cracked down the middle, as did Mist's head.

Ike picked up his younger sister once more and hurled her at the door.

It worked—the door was broken in two. Ike then jumped out of Mist's bedroom with half an erection and proceeded to run for his life, back outside. His pants fell down as he did so, but he didn't care. So long as he was far away from rapists and molesters and rapist molesters, he was fine.

In his boxers, Ike stopped when he was sure he was alone. What a day—Soren had attempted rape, Reyson and Oscar had attempted seduction, and his own sister had tried to molest him. Great Ashera, it was noon and four people were after him. What could possibly make this day any worse?

He was about to find out.

~ ***** ~

Only a minute later, a very short man with no clothes walked up to Ike and said, "Rough day for you, too?"

Ike looked the short man up and down—but mostly down. He nodded. "Yeah. Hey, are you a dwarf? Aren't they all dead? And besides, who would want to rape a dwarf?"

The man glared angrily, and seethed, "I am not a dwarf. I am a midget. Moreover, I am a nudist. And you are in serious trouble, mister."

Ike could only manage a confused "What?" before the naked midget punched and kicked him in a place that he really didn't want to be punched and kicked. He toppled to the ground, whimpering helplessly in pain as the short nudist stormed off. Ike curled into a ball, his hands cupping his groin area protectively.

"Ike!"

A weak male voice called out to him. Ashera, please let it _not_ be Soren coming back to rape him while he was totally helpless . . . .

Ike groaned and felt a soft hand on his shoulder. He looks up wearily to see a worried face and a mop of messy orange hair. "R-Rhys?" he asked hoarsely.

Rhys nodded. "Are you alright, Ike? What happened?"

Ike moaned and moved away from the priest slightly. "J-Just stay away," he whispered, frightened.

Concerned, the man cloaked in white took a step forward. "Ike, are you sure you're alright? Are you hurt? What's going on with you?"

Only now did Ike feel strong enough to move his hands from their protective position. He stood up shakily. In a high voice he said, "Rhys . . . don't. Please don't. I've had a rough day."

Rhys reached out to comfort the young commanded, but Ike backed away and, in his haste to be far away from the other man, tripped over his own feet and fell on his butt.

"Ike!" cried Rhys in panic. He ran forward to help his fellow mercenary.

Ike, driven mad by his traumatizing experiences, stood up and ran as fast as he could away from the healer. He ran deep into the forest, leaving Rhys bewildered and anxious in a cloud of dust.

~*****~

Ike only stopped running because he was frozen in shock.

Before him, in the middle of the forest of nowhere, was Titania. And it wasn't as though seeing Titania surprised him. Instead, it was what she was doing.

Titania happened to be doing something very personal when Ike ran into her space. Ike was confused and upset to find her doing something he didn't realize women could do. Something his father had said was an activity that only men with needs practiced. And he was baffled by finding Titania, a full-grown woman, performing this sort of deed.

Titania moaned with pleasure, and Ike recoiled slightly. Yet he could not move from his spot. He was fascinated by the rhythmic motion of her hand. He was in no way repulsed. Just the opposite. In fact, it gave him pleasure, too . . . they way she pushed her hips forward slightly to match the movement of her hand . . . they way her eyes were closed, deep in thought and fantasy . . . the way she moved her lips as though kissing her invisible lover . . . .

Ike couldn't help but become aroused as he watched Titania masturbate. He groaned in near agony, the hardness of his member becoming painfully apparent.

Titania heard him groan and turned his way before he had a chance to pull off his boxers—the only clothes he had left—and mimic her actions. She gaped at him and immediately stopped what she was doing, pulling up her pants. "I-Ike . . . ."

Ike, suddenly realized what sort of trouble he was going to be in, stammered without delay, "T-Titania, I'm s-so sorry for . . . for interrupting your . . . ."

Titania smiled warmly, and took a step forward. "It's alright, Ike," she soothed. "I was almost finished, anyways."

Ike shook his head. "That's crazy," he said. "If I ever tried to stop so abruptly . . . I don't think I could."

"That's because you're a man. For men, it's not quite the same as it is for us women."

Ike's left eye was twitching a lot. He was nervous and restless and aroused and confused all at once. "Erm, yeah. Actually, I didn't even realize . . . wait, are we going to get into a long conversation that no one really cares about?"

Titania sighed. "We will if you start it. We'll just cut straight to the point. Shall we?"

Ike nodded, and said, "You were thinking of my father while you were doing that."

"No, Ike. I was thinking about you. You see, you are like the better version of your father. You have the same personality, and the same prowess with a sword, yet you are a lot younger and far hotter then Greil ever was."

Ike was stunned for a moment, but the stinging throbbing he felt snapped him out of his stupor. Near panic, he said, "That's fine, but for now, I have to take care of a certain problem . . . ."

Titania knew the animalistic drive that he was feeling. She grinned and said, "Allow me to help you, Ike. Let me . . . show you the ropes."

She kissed him tenderly on the lips.

Ike hesitated, and then kissed her back.

Urged forward, Titania gently stroked his groin area with her hand. Ike gasped at her touch, and she stole her chance to force her tongue into his throat. He responded in kind, and brought his hands to her breasts. He squeezed lightly, which stimulated her to push her hips into his.

Ike moaned, and ground his hips into hers. Pain emanated from the stiffness of his member. As Titania's tongue moved from his mouth to his neck, he stammered, "T-Titania . . . I n-need . . . ."

"Of course."

She took a step back and peeled off all of her clothes in an instant, as though she were class-changing. Ike slipped out of his boxers, and the chill of the forest air made him shiver. As she looked him up and down, the young commander blushed. He desperately hoped she liked what she saw. He knew for a fact that he was enjoying what he was seeing.

Titania moved towards him again and began licking his chest. He couldn't help letting out a small whimper of appreciation. Hesitantly, he pushed his hips against her exposed skin again. This time, she grabbed his shoulders and fell backwards, pulling him on top of her as she did so. He moaned with pleasure as many different parts of his body pushed up against hers.

She wrapped her legs around him and pulled his hips towards hers. Ike hesitated, and then lowered himself towards her entrance. She kissed him passionately, encouraging him onwards.

It was the best conclusion to the day of Hell that Ike had experienced.

~*****~

When Ike awoke, it was with Titania. He gazed up at the cloudy sky happily. It had been an amazing night, he reflected to himself. He almost wished that it wasn't the day again. So he could just have that night over and over and over again.

But that was not the case.

A large bird blocked his view of the clouds. It disappeared for a moment, and then reappeared. It swooped to the ground, and then turned into Tibarn.

Ike let out a girlish scream and pulled some of Titania's hair over his private areas. Tibarn took a menacing step forward and said tersely, "Ike."

"Y-yes?"

Titania rolled over in her sleep and snored loudly.

Janaff and Ulki appeared at the hawk king's flank. Ulki glared, as usual, and Janaff put on his best pouty face. Tibarn, in the meantime, crossed his arms and stared down at the helpless young blunette. "Get up," he growled.

Ike got up.

Janaff spoke up, "I watched you all yesterday. I know everything that's happened. _Everything_."

Ulki added, "I have been listening to the events that occurred the other day. The pointy-eye-browed sniper paid your friends to jokingly fall in love with you. Yet you did not see the joke. Instead, you hurt your friends, and your family."

"And Reyson!" Janaff pitched in. "Only, what you did to him was beyond hurt. You killed him."

Tibarn gave a threatening glare.

Ike took a step back. "Erm, that's not exactly it. You see, what happened was that Shinon and the others were being real assholes, since they didn't let me in on the 'joke'. It was just—"

Ike didn't have a chance to finish his explanation, because Tibarn punched him squarely in the face. Ike was out cold for the next week.

When he finally woke up, he remember nothing. Titania cried her heart out in sorrow, Shinon almost died laughing, and Mist was dead. The nudist midget got into a bar fight with Stefan, and ended up falling off a cliff and bursting into flame. Everyone else was just glad that they didn't have to pretend to want to molest Ike.


End file.
